Archive for emotional welds
I have a large number of property finders who have me on their mailing lists. Some of them are former students of mine and some are just people I find in my travels. Anyway this week has just been child in a candy store material. I’ve seen deals at 40% of registered valuation, yields as high as 12 % and everything in between.
My guess is that we are starting to see the fruit of what I have been saying for some time that the worst is yet to come. As people simply run out of juice and the banks start really leaning on them, suddenly the “we’ll sell if we have to” turns into “we need to sell today”.
Now the important thing for you to remember is that you didn’t cause the vendors problem and your low offer may actually be their best and only solution. “Buying equity” will never be easier than it is now so make sure you get yours!!
I was thinking about this guilt we often feel at “taking advantage” of vendors in this climate and it is actually quite illogical if you think about it.
If a company is going bust and has a “liquidation sale” or a “receivership sale” we don’t bat an eytelid about rushing off to buy stuff we don’t need simply because it is cheap right?
And in reality the sale may represent a bankrupt company owner and anything from a dozen to several hundred unemployed staff, many of whom will also end up bankrupt. But that doesn’t bother us at all.
However when it is is a property vendor in trouble and our low offer may actually save them from bankruptcy we have a guilt and shame attack!! Fascinating isn’t it?
What it means is that our culture has welded “discount property” and “mortgagee” and “desperate vendor” to an enormous amount of emotional pain, negativity and angst. A weld that is quite false in fact. Where as a failed clothing company for example is simply a bargain time to get a wardrobe even though it will without doubt involve far more heartache and pain for a much larger number of people.
We are weird aren’t we us humans. Feel terrible about nothing and feel nothing over real issues. Next thing you know we’ll be justifying killing the elderly and saving animals over people……………………..
Stay inspired and STAY SAFE!! Dean
Life just happens sometimes doesn’t it. We cannot control nearly as much as we’d like and for some of us this is a disaster. If we are ice then we will resist change and resent anything that isn’t going our way.
People with AID (Advanced Ice Disorder) end up fighting the whole world over every little thing. A lot of zealots in animal rights movements and other worthy movements are like this. Their sense of injustice, which is in itself perfectly valid, has become something hard, unforgiving and unhealthy. Like the people who shoot doctors outside of abortion clinics they have crossed a line where their inability to control their world has become a serious problem.
Or we can learn to be fluid and react when reaction is appropriate. We all get to have a “pretty good” life. Things will go wrong, disappointments occur. If we become like water we can choose to be ice or steam depending on the situation. This is good mental health, to be able to pick our fights.
I think an encounter from Jesus life sums up it perfectly. Jesus visited the temple and saw that instead of being a place of worship it was full of stalls and shops where money had overcome God. Jesus could have reacted immediately and yelled and screamed and He probably would have gotten a good result.
But instead He went and sat and MADE a whip. Imagine the shop owners watching this rabbi making this whip and wondering what he was up to. I wonder if the religious leaders thought it strange that He was doing this in the temple grounds.
I believe He was thinking and praying, deciding exactly what God wanted Him to do. When He finished making the whip He then took to the shop keepers with it, over turning their stalls and driving them out. This caused a God result because He knew He was doing the right thing. He wasn’t lashing out in anger, He was responding in “holy anger” you might say, which was actually a love for His father and the people who worshipped Him.
What about you?? Could you choose to be Ice or Steam when your next drama unfolds??
Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
I know I’m showing my age but I still remember how clever I thought Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was when on the last pages of the book I discovered the answer to the question what is the meaning of life was “42″.
I guess it was the authors way of saying how impossible answering that question genuinely is.
I mention it today in the context of pursuing our unbearable feeling because hopelessness/meaningless is a huge issue in our society.
As you may know 25% of the population is depressed at any given time and 50% of people will have at least 1 clinicaly diagnosable depressive season in their lives. And one of the primary causes of real depression is meaninglessness.
If this feeling is unbearable then what we do is make sure our lives are never still or quiet, EVER!!.
Kids sports, craft clubs, dinner parties, endless travel or holidays, you will fill your life with anything to ensure you never have a moment to think about what your life is actually for. This is why depression is the common cold of the West, but relatively unheard of in developing nations. The developing world still believes in spiritual things therefore generally they can find meaning in God, whatever form that may be for their culture.
Also they find hope and meaning in achieving the great western dream of abundance, financial security and freedom.
And THAT is why we are so depressed and suicidal as a society because we have achieved the great dream and found it……
Our kids have their mid-life crisis at 18 now because they don’t have to wait till they are 40 to see that western life is empty, they can see it in their parents eyes and watch it in their lifestyles.
So can I suggest to you to day my friend that pursuing genuine meaning in your life is both the most important thing you will ever do AND the best thing you could ever do to achieve good mental health.
You will find meaning if you look for it and keep your heart open to things you may have given up on before. It is there, so you don’t have to fear this unbearable feeling, you can slay it with truth and hope!! Will you make this a priority in your life, do you care about yourself enough to start this journey?
(For more on how my journey ended click HERE)
Till tomorrow, stay safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
Unbearable feelings!! Like parents, you’ve got at least one most likely.
The things we do to avoid them never fix the problem, so if we ever want to really grow up we have to learn how to bear and befriend these feelings. You are not psychotic because you want to avoid these feelings, the problem is simply that avoiding them is destructive for you and those around you in many cases.
Here is a list of common unbearable feelings
- Disappointment, despair of grief of any kind
- Feeling unfairly treated; the victim of injustice
- Feeling humiliated, exposed, embarrassed, laughed at or ridiculed
- Feeling cruel, hard, unfeeling or unsympathetic
- Feeling controlled, bullied or restrained
- Feeling used, taken for granted, obligated or trapped
- Feeling unheard, distrusted, doubted, misunderstood, disbelieved, misjudged
- Feeling of futility, (it’s all for nothing)
- Feeling bored or depressed
- Feeling ill-equipped, unprepared or caught out
- Feeling uprooted or dislocated
- Feeling unwanted, rejected, excluded, abandoned, shut out or left behind
- Feeling shouted at or abused, especially by one particular sex
- Feeling powerless, helpless, out of control, uncertain or in danger
- Feeling lost or disoriented
- Feeling disobeyed, despised or disrespected
- Feeling around being in debt or unable to pay
- Feeling overloaded or swamped by “must-do’s”
- Feeling lied to, sucked in, cheated, betrayed or deceived
- Being held up, running late or left behind
- Feeling dumb, inadequate, stupid, a loser, incompetent
- Feeling interrogated, nagged or lectured
- Feeling interrupted, prevented from completing a task etc.
- Feeling exhausted or lying awake alone at night
- Feeling to cold or too hot
- Cold, grey, bleak or windy weather
- Being around drunk people, smell of alcohol
- Forgetting or losing something
- Feeling like you have disappointed others or let them down in some way
- Anticipation of fear and dread
- Forgetting or losing something
- Feeling of regret or missing out on something better
- Being a nuisance, a bludger or a burden
- Silence or silent tension
- Feeling full of food or bloated
- Feeling guilty, ashamed or condemned
- Following through
- Deep water, the beach and the sharks
If you seriously want to identify your unbearable feeling then start by printing this list off and mark off any on the list that you feel regularly.
Because we are looking for your unbearable feeling, which you NEVER FEEL, the ones you have marked are definitely not your feeling.
So lok at what are left, do any of them trigger anything in you. For example if you are anorexic or bulimic your unbearbale feeling may well be feeling full.
What about feeling to hot or too cold. It sounds silly but I know destroyed marriages because one partner would go ballistic over a room or a bed or a conference being at the wrong temperature. You see if this is unbearable it is unbearable.
People who can’t bear to be late either go everywhere 2 hours early or they avoid appointments to the point of reclusion.
Tomorrow we’ll look at this from one more angle to help you identify if you have an issue here. But you should be getting an inkling by now if this is maybe something you need to work on!!
Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
Here’s something you may never have thought of before. It is a feeling you have never felt, not for a long time anyway. David Riddell aptly described it as your “unbearable feeling”. One unbearable feeling operating in your life can cripple you completely. Prisons are full of people who are there because they were avoiding their unbearable feeling. Domestic violence, drug addiction, divorce, you name it; you can often fin an unbearable feeling at the root of the problem.
Many of us know who “presses our buttons” right? But have we ever asked ourselves “Why do I keep providing such big easy to press buttons?” You see we are often, in fact I would say almost always having a feeling triggered that we must avoid. That’s why we react, clam up, lash out, yell, drink, drive like a maniac, punish our loved ones. Over a feeling?? Come on, how can a feeling have that much power. Well it has power because we never learn to deal with it.
We’re not talking about an unpleasant feeling here, or something you feel all the time. No this is an unbearable feeling. When we take a magnifying glass to the dysfunctional parts of our lives we discover that we have developed reactions and mindsets to protect the damage done to our hearts, the emotional damage that 99% of us have incurred throughout our lives.
We avoid the hideous feelings associated with that damage by using anger, abuse or shutting down to make sure we don’t feel our unbearable feeling. The term unbearable is critical here. This is something you so want to avoid that you literally will do anything to avoid the feeling. A father will bury his children before he will feel this feeling. A woman will abandon her family, a child will take his or her own life before they will feel their unbearable feeling.
When I started to see how this operated in my own life it literally changed my whole world view. Suddenly things that were bizarre made sense. One of my unbearable feelings is shame. So when I was younger the thought of failing at a job was unthinkable. ( This is all operating subconsciously of course, I never “thought” about the shame of failing at a job). So I had several occasions in my 20′s and early 30′s where I was promoted very quickly and was on the edge of a major promotion. Suddenly the risk of feeling shame through being promoted above the level of my own competence became a reality.
So on 3 separate occasions in 3 different companies I started behaving in ways that resulted ultimately in me getting fired!!
You see the feelings of rejection and being thought badly of I could handle, but the shame of failing at my new positions was literally unbearable. I am now at 46 years old pursuing things I should have done all my life as I make friends with my unbearable feeling.
What about you my friend? What have you not done because of your unbearable feeling?? Never pursued university because feeling dumb was unbearable? never married because fear of rejection or commitment was unbearable?
I may never have net you but I would say there is a 99% chance that you are not living the life of your dreams at least in part due to your unbearable feeling.
Tomorrow we’ll start to look at how to identify your UBF!!
Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
In thinking about our emotional well being another thought to think is:
Do I need to change? Is there any reason for me to be different?
Now if your answer is no that is fantastic, incredibly good news, because it means that you are pretty well “together”.
However, (there’s always a however), what I would suggest is this. Instead of asking yourself if you nede to change anything, why not ask your boss, your partner, your kids or your pastor if you need to change anything in your emotional make up.
You see because our feelings can lie to us we often don’t recognise the need to change in ourselves.
I was thinking about this very point the other day when someone was attacking me publicly for absolutely no reason. I know the person a little bit and I iwould consider them if anything, a friend.
When I had some information that could have benefit them they were very friendly to me also. I took this at face value, genuine. Now for some reason they had a day of publishing lies about me and being both weird and bizarrely aggressive for no reason.
If you asked them if their emotional make up needed changing they would say no probably, but it was obvious from my recent experience that there is great pain in their lives that needs healing.
We’re all like it aren’t we if we are honest. Who wants to admit we have a problem. Millions of marriages have failed because one partner says to themselves, “THEY are the problem, they need to change”
Even when that is true, if the wounded party would work on their own stuff a different result could often be found.
So when you get 2 minutes today just sit for a sec and think about what you might need to change, whether it’s to be less depressed, more honest, less judgmental. How would you like to make your feelings your friends where they are curently enemies?
Till tomorrow, ( more tools then) Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
Actually I mean, how are you REALLY doing?
We’ve been discussing some pretty full on stuff and if you choose to explore the uncharted world of your own mind you will almost invariably find things you don’t like.
There is a lot more to cover on the damage side but let’s spend a few days together starting to put some real working tools in your hands.
As you discover things that need work one of the real secrets is to be able to think about things so that you can start to engage the non reactive part of your brain. For example last week when I talked about welds I explained that we have 2 different things welded together, in my case correction and rejection.
So the very first step for me to deal with that is to be able to slow down my response to correction so I can think about it. I have to start to say to myself: “Oh no I’m feeling rejected. Isn’t that weird how bad I feel when all she said was why didn’t I put the rubbish out?”
Or if echoes cause me to get angry irrationally the first step to healing is to start to engage my mind to become an observer of myself. ” Oh look at me getting angry, I can’t believe how quickly I am raising my voice and tearing this poor delivery boy to shreds. What am I like?”
We’re not trying to change our behaviour here at all, just begin to observe it. (In fact we can’t just change our behavior, that is the whole problem). This is a skill we must practise because it is one of the major keys to changing your life.
By learning to think we are beginning to engage our soul and spirit in our lives instead of just our wounds and instincts. The Bible teaches us to “reason together”. That’s because we have the capacity to reason. We have the ability to think about our feelings and behaviour and often just that ability will start to unlock emotional healing because for the first time we begin to see what we are doing to ourselves and others.
The more we live out of our feelings the more like a dog we become, programmed and conditioned through punishment, praise and instinct. This is no way for a human being to live, yet most of us do it in many areas of our lives.
When your conscious mind begins to “get” that your anger is not about now but about a past event and that is does not belong here your brain actually starts to rewire itself. The wounding is disempowered and over time the echo becomes a non intrusive memory. The weld gets broken. Suddenly you start to feel better because you are no longer being ruled by false beliefs and dodgy feelings.
You have to be able to think about “how you feel about how you felt” to ever conquer many of these areas.
Till tomorrow ~ Stay Safe
Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv