Archive for relationships
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers. That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday she gave each student his or her list.
Before long, the entire class was smiling. ”Really?” she heard whispered. ”I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!” and, “I didn’t know others liked me so much,” were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.
That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a service man in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pall bearer came up to her.
“Were you Mark’s math teacher?” he asked.
She nodded: “yes.”
Then he said: “Mark talked about you a lot.”
After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
“We want to show you something,” his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket.
“They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.”
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.
“Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother said.
“As you can see, Mark treasured it.”
All of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said,
“I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer of my desk at home.”
Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.”
“I have mine too,” Marilyn said. “It’s in my diary.”
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group.
“I carry this with me at all times,” Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued:
“I think we all saved our lists.”
That’s when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again. The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don’t know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late. And one way to accomplish this is:
Write down the names of ten people in your life:
Write down the top 3 things you love about them:
Send this story to them with your thoughts about them attached as explanation and see what impact in has in your relationship.
Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.
Be loved and Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus
We never received any coverage in the USA of the latest round of quakes in Christchurch so it was devastating to see even more damage this week. On top of the last 2 to 3 years of economic challenges it is just heart breaking for locals to have to endure even more emotional pain and uncertainty.
There is nothing clever anybody can say and not even much one can do to really help except to love and support those you know and pray for the city if that is your thing.
I can imagine the dilemma going on behind the scenes now too where the reinsurers must be literally out of money and the government can’t afford an insurance default 5 months out from an election.
I hope that at least home owners can get some firm ground in terms of payouts and recovery or demolition ASAP so they can move on with their lives.
But most importantly we all know someone probably in the affected area. Understand that the mental anguish this must be placing on them is terrible. Pick up the phone, go and visit them, take their kids for a weekend, fly them up to see you, do SOMETHING to break the anguish they are feeling and to make sure they know they are loved by somebody, even when their own land seems to be turning on them.
Get loving and Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus
I guess I’m fortunate that I am naturally wired to be relational. But in addition to that I have deliberately cultivated a “policy” of never burning relationships unless it was unsafe to do otherwise.
This has resulted in many people I could have easily written off becoming good friends and in many cases people who have helped me make money in my business.
And an interesting development with this in recent times is that I find new contacts “warm” to me very quickly because they hear of and observe my long term relationships in business.
So can I encourage you to think long term about your business and relationships. Decide what is really important. I have been let down and ripped off more than once, in fact way more than once, however what I have gained by trying to work through those issues and by developing trust with people has far outweighed the losses.
Something to think about??
Stay Inspired and Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus
The Ethical Investor
PS: One of those strange, unbelievable timing moments!! One of my newer business contacts just sent me a proposal for a non property related venture that just knocks my socks off. And he sent it to me because “I like to work with people I can trust and appreciate the value of friendship in business”
So there you go!!
PPS: The above deal really looks great. There are 5 slots available, (4 now as I have one) , if you’d like an opportunity to find out about an exciting online business ownership opportunity flick me an EMAIL and I’ll send you the prospectus.
( Less than 20K for a 10% stake)
When you say things publicly as I do you often get to see a large variety of replies to your thoughts or comments. This happened recently when I warned you all HERE about the new Sales and Purchase Agreements being promoted by REINZ.
I did have one of my facts wrong, which was that the date for REINZ membership becoming voluntary is the 16th November not the first, however other than that everything I said is substantially correct. In fact since I posted that newsletter a prominent conveyancing specialist has been touring property organisations nationally saying exactly what my solicitor said, albeit in more restrained formal language.
Anyway my point is not to defend myself in this case but to comment on the way people react in general. In any situation we have an opportunity to react, which is a bit like a reflex action where we might angrily lash out OR respond, where we think about what was said and how and make a response designed to either educate, challenge or inspire.
For example with my newsletter above I received an email from someone telling me that my emotional statements undermined my authority. Fair enough but when I asked him to tell me what I said that was factually incorrect I have never had a reply. He reacted to me and has been unable to respond, if that makes sense.
Then I received another from someone who had forwarded an emotive reaction from someone else but he simply said, ‘You might want to look at this”. So he was giving me feedback and information rather than yelling at me. In his email I discovered my solicitors mistake over the dates.
I have had to learn to respond to people and not lash out in reaction becuase I get more feedback than many people and it is easy to take negative feedback personally. But I have found as I learn to respond that often my attackers even become my friends as we learn to understand each other. After all we are not looking for everybody to have the same opinion on everything but we should be able to be connected with people who we might disagree with. Isn’t that what life and relationships is all about?
I hope you have a most responsive day!!
Stay Inspired and Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
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Unbearable feelings!! Like parents, you’ve got at least one most likely.
The things we do to avoid them never fix the problem, so if we ever want to really grow up we have to learn how to bear and befriend these feelings. You are not psychotic because you want to avoid these feelings, the problem is simply that avoiding them is destructive for you and those around you in many cases.
Here is a list of common unbearable feelings
- Disappointment, despair of grief of any kind
- Feeling unfairly treated; the victim of injustice
- Feeling humiliated, exposed, embarrassed, laughed at or ridiculed
- Feeling cruel, hard, unfeeling or unsympathetic
- Feeling controlled, bullied or restrained
- Feeling used, taken for granted, obligated or trapped
- Feeling unheard, distrusted, doubted, misunderstood, disbelieved, misjudged
- Feeling of futility, (it’s all for nothing)
- Feeling bored or depressed
- Feeling ill-equipped, unprepared or caught out
- Feeling uprooted or dislocated
- Feeling unwanted, rejected, excluded, abandoned, shut out or left behind
- Feeling shouted at or abused, especially by one particular sex
- Feeling powerless, helpless, out of control, uncertain or in danger
- Feeling lost or disoriented
- Feeling disobeyed, despised or disrespected
- Feeling around being in debt or unable to pay
- Feeling overloaded or swamped by “must-do’s”
- Feeling lied to, sucked in, cheated, betrayed or deceived
- Being held up, running late or left behind
- Feeling dumb, inadequate, stupid, a loser, incompetent
- Feeling interrogated, nagged or lectured
- Feeling interrupted, prevented from completing a task etc.
- Feeling exhausted or lying awake alone at night
- Feeling to cold or too hot
- Cold, grey, bleak or windy weather
- Being around drunk people, smell of alcohol
- Forgetting or losing something
- Feeling like you have disappointed others or let them down in some way
- Anticipation of fear and dread
- Forgetting or losing something
- Feeling of regret or missing out on something better
- Being a nuisance, a bludger or a burden
- Silence or silent tension
- Feeling full of food or bloated
- Feeling guilty, ashamed or condemned
- Following through
- Deep water, the beach and the sharks
If you seriously want to identify your unbearable feeling then start by printing this list off and mark off any on the list that you feel regularly.
Because we are looking for your unbearable feeling, which you NEVER FEEL, the ones you have marked are definitely not your feeling.
So lok at what are left, do any of them trigger anything in you. For example if you are anorexic or bulimic your unbearbale feeling may well be feeling full.
What about feeling to hot or too cold. It sounds silly but I know destroyed marriages because one partner would go ballistic over a room or a bed or a conference being at the wrong temperature. You see if this is unbearable it is unbearable.
People who can’t bear to be late either go everywhere 2 hours early or they avoid appointments to the point of reclusion.
Tomorrow we’ll look at this from one more angle to help you identify if you have an issue here. But you should be getting an inkling by now if this is maybe something you need to work on!!
Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
Here’s something you may never have thought of before. It is a feeling you have never felt, not for a long time anyway. David Riddell aptly described it as your “unbearable feeling”. One unbearable feeling operating in your life can cripple you completely. Prisons are full of people who are there because they were avoiding their unbearable feeling. Domestic violence, drug addiction, divorce, you name it; you can often fin an unbearable feeling at the root of the problem.
Many of us know who “presses our buttons” right? But have we ever asked ourselves “Why do I keep providing such big easy to press buttons?” You see we are often, in fact I would say almost always having a feeling triggered that we must avoid. That’s why we react, clam up, lash out, yell, drink, drive like a maniac, punish our loved ones. Over a feeling?? Come on, how can a feeling have that much power. Well it has power because we never learn to deal with it.
We’re not talking about an unpleasant feeling here, or something you feel all the time. No this is an unbearable feeling. When we take a magnifying glass to the dysfunctional parts of our lives we discover that we have developed reactions and mindsets to protect the damage done to our hearts, the emotional damage that 99% of us have incurred throughout our lives.
We avoid the hideous feelings associated with that damage by using anger, abuse or shutting down to make sure we don’t feel our unbearable feeling. The term unbearable is critical here. This is something you so want to avoid that you literally will do anything to avoid the feeling. A father will bury his children before he will feel this feeling. A woman will abandon her family, a child will take his or her own life before they will feel their unbearable feeling.
When I started to see how this operated in my own life it literally changed my whole world view. Suddenly things that were bizarre made sense. One of my unbearable feelings is shame. So when I was younger the thought of failing at a job was unthinkable. ( This is all operating subconsciously of course, I never “thought” about the shame of failing at a job). So I had several occasions in my 20′s and early 30′s where I was promoted very quickly and was on the edge of a major promotion. Suddenly the risk of feeling shame through being promoted above the level of my own competence became a reality.
So on 3 separate occasions in 3 different companies I started behaving in ways that resulted ultimately in me getting fired!!
You see the feelings of rejection and being thought badly of I could handle, but the shame of failing at my new positions was literally unbearable. I am now at 46 years old pursuing things I should have done all my life as I make friends with my unbearable feeling.
What about you my friend? What have you not done because of your unbearable feeling?? Never pursued university because feeling dumb was unbearable? never married because fear of rejection or commitment was unbearable?
I may never have net you but I would say there is a 99% chance that you are not living the life of your dreams at least in part due to your unbearable feeling.
Tomorrow we’ll start to look at how to identify your UBF!!
Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv
In thinking about our emotional well being another thought to think is:
Do I need to change? Is there any reason for me to be different?
Now if your answer is no that is fantastic, incredibly good news, because it means that you are pretty well “together”.
However, (there’s always a however), what I would suggest is this. Instead of asking yourself if you nede to change anything, why not ask your boss, your partner, your kids or your pastor if you need to change anything in your emotional make up.
You see because our feelings can lie to us we often don’t recognise the need to change in ourselves.
I was thinking about this very point the other day when someone was attacking me publicly for absolutely no reason. I know the person a little bit and I iwould consider them if anything, a friend.
When I had some information that could have benefit them they were very friendly to me also. I took this at face value, genuine. Now for some reason they had a day of publishing lies about me and being both weird and bizarrely aggressive for no reason.
If you asked them if their emotional make up needed changing they would say no probably, but it was obvious from my recent experience that there is great pain in their lives that needs healing.
We’re all like it aren’t we if we are honest. Who wants to admit we have a problem. Millions of marriages have failed because one partner says to themselves, “THEY are the problem, they need to change”
Even when that is true, if the wounded party would work on their own stuff a different result could often be found.
So when you get 2 minutes today just sit for a sec and think about what you might need to change, whether it’s to be less depressed, more honest, less judgmental. How would you like to make your feelings your friends where they are curently enemies?
Till tomorrow, ( more tools then) Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.tv