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Yesterday we looked at the layers we have with relationships. Today I want to discuss how to understand that everybody is an onion in their relating to another.

This may not be an issue for you to understand about yourself but it is critical if you are ever going to expand your horizons and learn to love others better. Remember the start of this little series was to encourage you to start to look for the good in others and build meaningful relationships to enrich your life and grow!!

So whenever you meet someone new remember first of all that you are going to judge and pigeonhole them in about 15 seconds. You will simply do that automatically, we all do. You will have to learn to realise that you are doing it and start to step back from that initial judgment and put it aside.

Why?, because people are onions. Everybody, yes even you, has a public persona that trains people to react to you in certain ways. This is our outer layer. You’ll see it in action immediately now I’ve told you about it. Watch the next person you see today and observe how they look, move, what they say and observe your responses to this.

The woman who flicks her hair over her shoulder and laughs just a little bit too loud as she shakes someones hand in the office, she is screaming “Look at me, look at me”.

Or the rough homeless looking man instantly causes you to reject him by how he looks, smells and what he says.

Keeping with these 2 examples lets look at just one possible scenario. The woman screaming look at me is probably incredibly lonely. Underneath the surface if you peeled off enough layers you would find a little girl who was rarely held by her dad, or played second fiddle to a prettier sister. She has grown up physically and now uses sex as a means of trying to make the little girl inside her feel loved so has built an exterior that demands attention and attracts everything in pants.

I have gotten to know many people like this and I am yet to find one who really wanted to behave the way they do. They just want to be loved and feel safe without sex, without complications.

When you get under their exterior projections you will find they are lovely, lonely, hurting people. And when they realise you care about them just because you care about them they become loyal intimate friends for life.

or lets look at our homeless friend. In some cases mental illness has driven someone to the streets, however often this person has been so wounded they have given up on society. He has probably been so hurt by a boss, pastor, loss of a loved one or even a pets death that he has turned his back on the world and subconsciously entered a world where he will be forever rejected.

He has an inner voice saying that the world is bad, the world is unsafe, isolation is the only way to try and feel OK. he then enters a perpetuating cycle of rejection and abandonment.

I befriended a homeless guy in my teens and I remember one day he suddenly took me to his house. He actually owned a very nice property that he never slept in full of all kinds of stuff. Once we became friends I would look forward to seeing him because he always had a big smile and a story for me. He was an intelligent, funny wonderful man.

One day he never turned up and he never was seen again. I never knew what happened but I was a richer person for having been his friend

I only found out what a great guy he was because I didn’t judge him, I just got to know him by allowing the layers to be peeled away.

Many of my close friends are “weirdo’s”, (aye Matt ). I often get asked: “Why do you associate with him or her?”. I love that because it means I see things in those people that others don’t. And to me relationship is important, we are wired for it.

And when we choose to love the apparently unlovely we will discover that we feel better ourselves because we are expanding our ability to love, to interact. We are becoming real genuine people.

Now I’m not suggesting you grit your teeth and become friends with obnoxious people.

But what I am saying is take some time to get to know someone beyond their projected exterior and find out what they are really like. You may find your soul mate or next best friend under a stained smelly overcoat in front of you at McDonalds. You may find that flirty tart at work is actually the friend you have longed for …….

Are you willing to invest the time to find out?

Stay Safe ~ Dean Letfus @ www.MassiveAction.co.nz